By the Full Moon's Light
by Nessa Elendil
Summary: She is a Metamorphmagus who loves him above all else, and he is a werewolf who loves her more than life itself. Throughout the war, the war of Man and Beast, their love must hold strong, hold strong through the battle that happens by the full moon's light
1. Chapter I

**_A/N: This is going to be the "style" of the entire fic. Hope you like it!  
Disclaimer: I don't own what JKR does, but what she doesn't own, I do._**

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I feel his arm wrap tighter around my waist as Remus shifts ever so slightly in his sleep, as he's always done when the full moon nears. I, however, am awake, laying on my side and resting my back against his chest so I can feel it rise and fall with every steady breath he takes.

Often, at night, I lay awake and, as I run my fingers through his thick, soft hair, I think about how lucky I am to be here, to be Mrs. Nymphadora Lupin, even if I still go by "Tonks", and I think of the war we are in, and if we're going to live to have children, raise them, see them off to Hogwarts, with names and those "family moments", like what I had shared with my parents, filling my mind; other times, like tonight, I think of what I loathe the most, more than the war or those behind the meaningless deaths; the full moon. Every month, it comes and goes, and every month I watch as it takes Remus with it, I watch him suffer his transformation alone, and I see how it hurts him, and so it hurts me.

I hate how I have to lock him in that empty room, how he insists on it; even with the Wolf's Bane Potion, he's convinced he's too dangerous. I hate how he has to be alone, that hurts him, both of us, the most I think.

I wish I could do something, _any_thing, to make it so that he doesn't have to be alone again; but Sirius has been dead for a year, and his other Animagus friends have been gone for even longer. I tried to become an Animagus, like my cousin and Remus' other closest friends had, I tried with everything I had in me. I went to the Misuse of Magic Department, what I believe to be my mistake, to the Animagus division to look for anything and everything they had about becoming an Animagus to help me in my futile transformation attempts. Because of my Metamorphmagus abilities, transforming comes naturally to me that I couldn't grasp the concept of how to change my species since the process is so alike, yet so different, to altering my appearance. Then they told me that because I was a Metamorphmagus, becoming an Animagus would be impossible; there was no way to tell if I had really transformed or if I was still human.

Remus knew what I was doing, or attempting to do, I could tell that he didn't expect me to get it, at least not anytime soon, and he tried to discourage me, to make me think more about the war and surviving through it than him, but I can't, I couldn't; and I told him off in such a way that I was reminded of my mother, and he soon found himself supporting me and my Animagus attempts even more than I did.

I believe though, that I chose a time too soon to the full moon to tell him of the information I had learned, and that I would still be trying to become an Animagus, despite this, so I could be with him when the moon is full. I don't think I have ever seen him so angry, he wasn't angry at me so much as at the possibility of what might occur, and I can't blame him; if he bit me, and I wasn't completely transformed, he would have never been able to forgive himself, and I would never forgive me for burdening him with that guilt. I could live as a werewolf, but not if it meant putting the man I love through all that pain, that self-inflicted guilt, for I know he would never blame me. I should have been more considerate with what I said before just blurting it out like that. I wasn't thinking of him when I did, not his feelings, not of what he might hold himself accountable for.

He told me he doesn't mind, spending all those transformations alone, as long as I would be there when he came back to himself; he said I have already done as much for him as any of the Marauders, what he and his best mates called themselves at Hogwarts. He said my love means more to him than anything else I could give him or do for him.

I believe him, but I think it still scares him to be alone. He fears the full moon, I don't know if it's still his boggart, but I can see it in his eyes, his fear of what it forces him to become. A fear he is forced to face alone.

I don't want him to face it alone, I want to be with him as the moon changes him to something he's not, something he has no desire to become. Because of him, I don't have to be alone when I confront my fears, fears about this war, about us both surviving it, because if only one of us lives, then we have both died. He is there for me during my moments of fear and uncertainty, and I want to be with him through his.

I love him, more than anything I love the man sleeping beside me. My heart is his, and I know that his is mine. I will find a way to help him, a way to be there so he doesn't need to be alone. He doesn't deserve to be alone, and I want to be the one who is with him. I do love him, my Remus Lupin. 

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**_A/N: I'll be switching POVs between Tonks and Remus with every chapter, if it all turns out how I'm hoping it will. I'd really appreciate reviews to help keep this story going! Thanks for reading!_**


	2. Chapter II

**_A/N: As you are reading this, please keep in mind that it is Remus' point of view, Tonks' PoV next chapter, and this does have an actual story line in which events that are more than what happen in this chapter will occur.

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_**I look at her, at her still sleeping form, and I can't begin to say what she means to me. I love her more than I've ever loved anyone, and I don't think I could live without her. But then I look at me, at my scarred face aged from more than just time, the rest of me as well. I don't deserve her, I don't deserve enough to even look at her, especially not now, as she lays in my arms and the early dawn's light illuminates her bubble gum hair and beautiful heart-shaped face. I lay my hand, callous, and scarred as my face, aside her face to gently stroke with my thumb the soft skin that covers her delicate features. She must have fallen asleep running her slender fingers through my hair, as I untangle her hand from my hair and place her arm next to her body. I shift our positions so that I am facing the ceiling and she lays atop my chest with my arms around her. My thoughts, still, are on the woman hold, the woman I love.

She knows what I am, she knows the curse I live with, and she loves me despite this. She has seen what the full moon transforms me into, and she thinks that I will never forgive her for opening that door to see, but I forgave her the moment she did. I love her too much not to have. She has seen what I am capable of in my uncontrollable form, seen the scars that cover my body; she has touched them, felt them, with more than only her hands. She is there for me, she stays with me through it all. Not physically, but I can still sense her there, in the house. She wants to be in the room with me, spend the full moon with me like Sirius and James used to. But that would be impossible; what if I hurt her, turned her into a werewolf? What if I killed her? This scares me more than the full moon ever did, or ever could. I would lose so much more than just the love of my life if I lost Nymphadora Tonks. Dora is everything to me. Sixteen years ago, I lost what I thought was everything, and it nearly killed me. Now, now that I really do have everything in Nymphadora, if I were to lose her, it would kill me. I couldn't live knowing I did that to her.

The full moon does still scare me though, and the fact that I must face it alone even more, but never as much as the possibility of losing my wife does. I can't let her risk what she is willing to in order to be with me, I can't let her lose her humanity to becoming a werewolf. She only risks it because she doesn't understand. She knows enough, but she doesn't understand it. She can't.

I know she can't understand the pain a transformation causes, or the humility of waking up naked in the middle of a forest after having spent the without all that makes one human; nor does she understand the shame of being treated like an animal, a sub-human, by everyone who knows what you are until you believe that's what you are yourself. How could she? She's never been held back by anything, within or without of her control, in her entire life. She is strong and independent, a little clumsy at times, but that makes her perfect in my eyes. She deserves anything but a werewolf's life.

I can't let her endanger herself, her life, her future, any more than she already has by marrying me.

I lightly kiss the top of her head.

I can never let her spend my transformations with me, in danger. If I hurt her... If I kill her... I thought too much about myself already by marrying her. I need to put her first, I love her too much to let something happen to her, especially because of me.

Truth be told, I want more than anything to feel her comforting arms around me as the moon takes over my body, and my being. But that could never be, not if I care at all about her safety, and that means everything to me, _she_ means everything; her heart and love, her smile and laugh, her kindness, her tenderness, her clumsiness. Everything about her I love.

My thoughts are temporarily interrupted as I feel my wife shift her position, slowly waking up to greet the day. I whisper tidings of the morning into her ear, and lightly kiss her soft lips. She smiles and kisses me back. We sit up, and, for a time, just lean on the headboard of our bed, wrapped in each other's arms and surrounded by our love. I wish that it could be like this every morning, that I could lay with her every night.

She whispers to my ear of her love for me, and I tell her of mine for her in return.

I cannot believe I am holding her, my Nymphadora, Nymphadora Lupin. She is not only the woman I love with all my heart, but the most amazing woman I've ever met, the most wonderful person ever to live. And she loves _me_, a werewolf almost too old for her. I could never do enough to tell her, to _show_ her, how much her love truly means to me, even though my love for her is just as strong, just as true. 


	3. Chapter III

Another full moon is quickly approaching, and as the man residing in it grows fuller and fuller, I can see more clearly his smile as he threatens to take my Remus from me. I wish, just once, he would take me instead, and let Remus look upon him with his own eyes. I need to do something for him, I just don't know what. But every time I see a hint of fear behind his eyes as he gazes at the moon, I feel hatred for what cursed him that way blossom inside of me next to my love for him.

It is late in the day before I come to my decision, one I tried hard to avoid. This decision is my secret now; I think it would hurt Remus if he knew. More the initial shock than the actual fact of it, though. As soon as it's over with, he'll understand, at least if he loves me as he says he does, he will understand why I came to this decision. But it is my choice, and nobody else's. I am stupid and a fool for deciding upon this, but I don't care. Remus is worth whatever risk, it kills me to see him suffer alone.

I may put on a fake, cheery front, after all, that is usually anything but fake, but inside, I am crushed. As every full moon approaches, I feel this way. I feel like every full moon, I lose a part of him, a little part that I never get back, because it never returns until the next full moon. I know he feels that loss as well, he's told me before, and then he tries to pass it off with a shrug. Maybe, just maybe, if I stay with him, that missing piece of him will too. That part isn't the curse, I know, for Remus would be glad to lose that; but it's something, something that he has long forgotten and cannot even place where it belongs. All he knows, he said, is that it is gone.

But maybe I am a bigger fool than I thought. Perhaps I am just foolishly in love, desperate to help the man who shares with me his name, life, and bed. Maybe I just want to be included in this part of his life too. We are in a war, and I want to spend every moment I have with the man I love, because on one knows how much longer we will have. Perchance my desire to spend full moons with him the way my decision involves is just a lust to be beside him. Either way, it matters not. I want to be with him; I want to help him, like he has me.

I think over my plan, going over in my mind how I will carry it out. There are many flaws I notice of it, things that could go wrong, but there is no way to know if they will until it is too late. The greatest flaw I can find, however, is the nature of my secret itself: I cannot lie.

Ever since I was a young child, my Metamorphmagus powers would give me away when I told even the tiniest lie. I don't like feeling guilt, but the feeling overcomes me whenever my words stray from the truth. I could never even get away with pulling a prank because my appearance would betray me. Often, in my duties for the Order of the Phoenix, I'll need memory or mild confundus charms placed on me, or I must take a potion to give me more control over my appearance before beginning a mission so that I do not give the Order's movement away. It is strange though, that what gives me complete control over my appearance takes that same control when I need it the most.

Remus and I are eating supper. He had to cook as I watched, because every time I try to cook something, I end up burning the food or the house. Remus is teaching me so I don't have to survive off of crackers and fruit every time he goes on an undercover mission for the Order that lasts more than a day. Since Dumbledore's death, he hasn't really been on any, but it never hurts to be prepared.

He knows I am planning something. I can see he does in the way he looks at me. If he doesn't ask me about it, I might be able to pull it off, and the upcoming full moon will be the last Remus must spend alone. But hoping that the conversation will not go to what I am planning will probably do more hurt than help. When it comes to Remus Lupin, what I hope and what actually happens are usually opposite, until the day he proposed to me, that is.

My dreams came true on my wedding day, of course I hadn't pictured it with me tripping over my own two feet as my father walked me down the aisle, but on that day, I started a new life with the man I love. It was a small wedding, but that didn't matter, we had a life together despite the war waging around us. Voldemort and the destruction he created didn't control everything; we created a family despite how he strives to destroy all bonds of love.

Even if my plan works, the moon will still have some control, but that also doesn't matter, because it won't have enough to keep us apart.

Why did he have to ask what was going on with me that I wasn't telling him? I cannot lie to him, or anyone, and he knows it. I don't want to lie to him regardless of the circumstance, but he would take this so much better after it has already happened. I know he would.

I lean over and kiss his lips to avoid answering, drinking in his sweet taste and the feel of his warm embrace.


	4. Chapter IV

I know she has a right to keep her own secrets, but this one is beginning to scare me. Never before have I seen her work this hard to keep anything from me, and that makes me believe it is not something she will ever want me to know. I do trust her, I love her enough to trust her completely, but it hurts that she feels she must keep something from me that has made her so nervous. She avoids my questions, never meets my eyes when she does. She knows I know she is keeping something from me, but she hides her knowledge of that as well. That worries me most, the fact that she wishes I would never figure out what is happening with her.

She has tried foolish things in the past, and I am worried she'll be trying another again soon. I don't want her to get hurt; I would gladly give my life to keep her safe, anything for her. But I can't protect her if I don't know what's endangering her. True, she is capable of keeping herself safe and providing her own protection, but I could never sit still if I knew she was in trouble, even if all I could do was watch and alert her of the danger she was in. If I ever lost her. . . I don't know what I'd do.

I look out the window, at the near full moon. Tomorrow, its cycle since the last full moon will be complete. What disturbs me most about the impending transformation is the dwindling supply of Wolf's Bane Potion. I know no one skilled enough in Potions who are willing to brew it for me since Dumbledore's death by Snape's treachery, and because of the ever-growing threat of Voldemort, it's dangerous to buy a potion one doesn't know the maker of, even in the best shops in Diagon Alley.

But there are more important things that bring cause for concern than a supply of Wolf's Bane that will only last one or two more full moons. I notice that as the moon grows fuller, Nymphadora's anxiety grows as well. I wish I know what she is thinking about that gets her so nervous. I wish I can help her relax with her thoughts. Now I know how she feels, wanting to help me through my transformations but unable to do anything besides stand on the sidelines. It's odd, almost, how she transforms at least once a day, willingly and happily, and how I transform once a month, forced and hateful, even fearful, of that transformation.

I lay in bed, just listening to the sound of running water coming from the bathroom. It doesn't sound exactly like rain, but it has the same calming affect on me. The rain always soothes my thoughts more than thinking those thoughts over ever did, and the sound of water running calms me now. I hear a soft thud and my wife cuss, causing me to chuckle quietly to myself. I know Nymphadora doesn't appreciate her clumsiness, or have much reason to, but it will always be one of the many things I love about her, something I'd never be willing to change.

With my eyes closed, I smile softly to myself when, a few minutes after hearing the water stop, I hear Nymphadora enter our bedroom. I change my position so she can rest her head on my shoulder, and I lay my cheek on her soft, slightly damp hair, breathing in the sweet scent of her shampoo. I don't know what the scent is, and I have spent a few nights trying to place it, inhaling it deeply, but I only find that it belongs to her because it is like her: unique and captivating, too special and amazing to be labelled. With her arms around me, and mine around her, I fall into a peaceful sleep, and hear her steady breathing as she does the same.

Sometime during the night, I feel a cold breeze on my face and upper body, which are not protected by the warmth trapped within the sheets. I realize that Nymphadora is not next to me, but I see her instantly upon opening my eyes. She is standing by the open window, wearing only one of my larger shirts, shivering as the cold wind blows around her thin frame. She seems oblivious to all else in the room, even as I get up to go to her.

I throw on my bathrobe, and take hers to the window with me. I drape it around her shaking shoulders, causing her to jump at the shock of my sudden appearance. She turns to me and smiles as I place my hand aside, and stroke with my thumb, her freezing face. I pull her back to my chest and wrap my arms around her. Her hands hold on to my arms, and we both look out the open window. I don't know why she feels like she should be looking out an open window during the middle of a freezing night with the clouds are too thick to see even the stars, but if she does, then so do I. I notice as I hold her though, that the late night air does not seem as cold as before.

I whisper that I love her in her ear, and find that she has fallen asleep standing in my arms. I smile and kiss her cold and soft pink hair, then carry her back to our bed. I tuck her in and get another blanket from the closet. I think she would want me to leave the window open, no matter how cold it gets outside.

As I lay down next to her and pull the extra blanket over us, I hear her mutter a tired thanks for not closing the window. I kiss her again, and I don't think even she knows why she wanted the window left open.


	5. Chapter V

I wake wondering why I feel so warm. I remembered opening the window to let in the freezing night air, even thought I had been comfortable with the temperature. I sit up and instantly regret it as the cold, frigid air stings my body, and I hurry to slide myself back under the covers as I shake violently.

I hear Remus say something about my reaction to me. His face relaxed and his eyes shut, I would have thought he was till asleep if he had not just spoken. Giving him a quick kiss on the cheek, I wrap my bathrobe tightly around me as I crawl out of bed. I almost don't believe how completely opposite my husband's calm and relaxed features are compared to my own nervous and, I almost dare not admit, frightened feelings.

I walk to the bathroom, feeling sick; tonight is the full moon, and I have never been more frightened of what it will bring. I could easily back down, fail to follow through with my plan until the next full moon; I can't deny how tempting that option looks to me. But if I don't do it tonight, I never will. I can't fail Remus. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that I cannot deny how truly terrified I am. Never before have I been this afraid, and it is the unknown I face that is the worst. But I won't let myself look away.

I don't know if I'm more cowardly or brave for my actions, although I'm certain that, either way, I've got stupid covered. I checked to see if I was pregnant, knowing the results would turn out negative, because I could never do this if I was with child. I wouldn't endanger my baby like that. But there is no baby, there is just me. And for Remus, I will do this.

The time comes for Remus to have me lock him in that room, as much as I hate to. His eyes tell me that he is still worried about me because of my recent behavior, and my heart beats with guilt for putting that worry there. I hold him tighter and longer than I usually do, resisting the urge to collapse in his arms, to break down and cry into his chest. I only hope he knows how much I love him. Words can never say enough.

I wait until Remus transforms, then collect my emotions and take the first steps to following my plan. I carefully tuck a paperweight wrapped in cloth securely into my pocket. It is a Portkey I made that will activate on touch and bring me back home. With one last glance at the locked door, I throw my cloak around myself, firmly grip my wand, step outside, and apparate.

I can apparate here because I know what this place looks like and can picture it in my mind - I learned of it from a file in the Auror Department - but I don't know where it is. All I know is what is here.

I hear a werewolf howl somewhere behind me, and I whip around, trembling from fear and cold. Another howl and I spin again, my left hand reaching for my pocket as my right holds my wand out steady.

I just need one to bite me, then I can go home. 

My heart is racing, and my shallow breathing nearly stops as a pair of glowing, yellow eyes pierce me with their stare from the cover of the trees that surround me in this clearing. These werewolves aren't like Remus, they _want_ to hurt me, as Remus has reminded me many times before.

I swallow nervously. I want to go home, to feel Remus's strong arms wrap securely around me.

I'm pushed to the ground, the wind knocked out of me as I scream and drop my wand. The werewolf that came at me from behind takes my arm in his jaws; I hear and feel it break under the strong force. I cry out with pain, and swat at the wolf to get my arm back.

A deep scratch across my other arm as I finally get my broken one free. Claws rip at my face and neck, and I feel my robes and cloak beginning to soak in my blood. The werewolf's jaws are at my side, tearing me open. More scratches, more bites. I scream, I scream for Remus.

My mind is in a panic, I don't know how my body is still able to hold itself together, to live. I'm crying.

My wand!

Through the darkness, the tears, and the blood, I see my wand, lying not too far away. I stretch out my arm without the broken bones, desperately coaxing my wand to my hand. Finally, I grasp it, as the wolf continues to cut me with claws and teeth. I scream a spell with what strength I can find and the werewolf is shoved off my bleeding body. He quickly gets up from where he landed on the ground and runs at me, snarling.

For a second, my mind gains control over my fear and my pain. I thrust my hand into my pocket and grab the Portkey. I'm going home.

I land in a bloody heap before the door that Remus is behind. My cloak is gone and my robes are little more than rags. I mutter Remus's name, frantically trying to unlock the door as I fight off the world of unconsciousness.

My last thought as blackness overcomes me and I fall to the floor is that he is worth it. Remus is worth this, and so much more.

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**_A/N: Does anyone want me to elaborate on what happened in this chapter at all?_**


	6. Chapter VI

I wake the morning after the full moon feeling tired and sore, but I know immediately that something is not right. For months now, I have woken after full moons in my wife's arms, with a blanket draped over the two of us. She usually comes right after moonset, assuring she will be there when I wake. But today, my Nymphadora is no where in sight; I am cold and naked, not in her arms. My heart beats wildly; I force myself to stand despite my aching body. I notice the door, open slightly, and start to panic, my old insecurities of being 'too dangerous' to be with Dora coming back. I try to recall what happened the night before, but my memory fails me. I am afraid, terrified, that I have hurt her.

Reaching for the door, I push it open and feel my heart ripped out. I think I am screaming, I know I am crying. I fall to my knees next to Nymphadora, _my_ Nymphadora, her shredded body soaked in blood. I shout to the Heavens, begging whomever is up there to please, no, not to let her die, not to take her from me; her broken form still bleeding in my arms as I hold her close. I kiss her, and metallic tasting blood covers my lips.

Did I do this?? 

The thought enters my numb mind, and I force myself to stand and carry her to our bedroom. I gently lay her on top of the sheets and try to stop my relentless tears; I need to help her. I do what I can, I mend her skin and bones, and I know even now that many of her injuries will scar. But that won't matter to her, and it doesn't matter to me, as long as she's alive…

Despite how much of my wife I've just mended, I cannot make well my own heart; for certainly only a werewolf could possibly have inflicted such injuries upon her. I did this… I hurt her… I must have…

I reach out my hand to softly stroke her unconscious face, but pull back before doing so, staring at my two hands in disbelief. I look at her form, watching her steady breaths, looking at the marks of her fresh scars, then back at my two hands, the hands connected to the monster that did this to her.

Sinking into a chair, I cry for I don't know how long. My eyes, emptied of all water, look over my wife. I want to hold her, to kiss her and to touch her, so badly that it hurts. But I can't; she wouldn't want me. She would never want the monster who destroyed her, her life, like this.

I want to die as this cold truth sinks. I hate myself for doing this. I never should have married her.

I need her, and for a time I had her; she healed me of my emotional scars, and saved me from my social isolation. She was there for me so many times throughout our short time together, there for me when no one else dared to come near. And this is how I repay her.

I've ruined her; destroyed her body, devastated her mind, and killed any future she might have. I am the reason she'll be forced to endure the most agonizing pain each full moon, the reason she will be shunned by most of society, the reason prejudicial hate will come down upon her; her - the most perfect creation of any world.

What have I done? 

I still can't bring myself to touch her long enough to brush a stray strand of hair off her beautiful face; it would be an action she would only hate me more for. How could she love me after this? How could she even want to look at me?

My heart breaks over and over again, and I do what I know I must; want, wishing, more than anything to wake from this nightmare that was, only hours before, the greatest dream.

Tears are renewed within me as I slowly pack what belongings of mine - that she would have no use for - fit into my old, tattered suitcase. On top of my fraying robes, I place the framed picture of our wedding day. Looking at it, I gently draw my finger down her smiling face, knowing I have no right to take it; but I can't leave her without a tangible memory, to prove to myself this wasn't all just a dream… I can't leave her at all.

But I can no longer be with her; the dream that I have been living in for so long… it's over.

I look at her one last time, not daring to risk one last soft kiss that I crave more than life itself. I can't leave her with telling her goodbye, even if I know she would not want to hear it, and I cannot wake her to tell her.

I need to write something, anything, that will tell her how I regret what I've done. My words are short and little in number, but their meaning is everything I have left. I love her so much. Merlin, how I wish I could undo all of this.

My wedding ring I leave on the bedside table by the letter, to let her know I will let her move on; even though I myself never will. Death would be a blessing compared to the pain of leaving that room, but I deserve it, all of it, for what I've done to her.


	7. Chapter VII

When I wake from the blackness that had consumed me, I am more comfortable than I have been all night; and I recognize the sweet scent of my Remus all around me. I open my eyes to find my face buried in his pillow, and my injuries I sustained last night dressed, but Remus himself was no where in sight. My eye catches something on the bedside table, something in the place of our wedding picture, which usually sits there. Picking it up, I see that it is my husband's wedding ring. A panic overcomes me as I snatch up the piece of parchment lying beside it. I read the words -- _I love you, Dora. I'm so sorry. I wish… I'm sorry. Please know that I'll always love you. -Remus_ -- and cried.

I never thought that he would think he had bitten me, but I was stupid not to. I curse that stupidity, clutching his ring, because now he is gone. He left because he thought he did this to me. I try to keep myself under control as I feel the impact of my folly.

I pull myself off the bed, still holding Remus' ring and letter, and I steady myself as dizziness threatens me. I run to the door, and swing it open with a loud bang, making a mad dash for the stairs, feeling the painful affects on my still healing body, but I ignore them. I need to find Remus.

I see him, standing in the open doorway, facing the morning outside. I call out to him, and run down the stairs, but my weakness and clumsiness catches up with me, and I trip, falling half-way down. Before I hit the bottom, though, I feel strong arms wrap around me and pull me upright. Remus then would separate himself from me, but I firmly hold onto him, crying into his chest.

I say the apology this time, sobbing it out through my tears, for laying him with the guilt of my stupidity.

He tries to tell me that the fault is his, that I couldn't be to blame, but I deny this, saying that I left the house last night, looking to get bit. I launch into an explanation of what I did, everything except for why. Never before have I seen my husband so shocked, so angry.

He pulls away from me and shouts, demanding to know why I would do this; what is wrong with me; why didn't I think' didn't I know I could have been killed; why didn't I understand? Why did I never understand?

But I do understand/ I know what I am, I understand that I will be a werewolf, like Remus, for the rest of my life. That had been the purpose of my actions the night before. All that I do not understand is how he does not understand; and I tell him this, as hurting tears of fury rise behind my eyes. I scream back at him, tell him that I love him; that I would do anything for him; that I want to be with him so he never has to be alone; that I only want to help him, make him happy. I just want him to see that.

I am fully crying now, and getting extremely light-headed. Remus must sense this, because the next thing I know, his arms are supporting my, and he tells me, gently, in a softer voice, that I need to go upstairs and rest. I insist that I will only go if he comes with me, and he agrees.

Remus supports me as we walk back upstairs to our bedroom, preventing me from falling as my body much desires to; and he helps me into bed as I dry my tears and wet face. Relieved that I have not lost my love to my own stupidity, I remember what I hold in my hand, and place the wedding ring into my husband's hand.

Slowly, he looks it over, then places it back on the bedside table where I first found it, and says the words that break my heart.

He tells me how people will notice if there are suddenly two werewolves in one home, but since I take the days of and after the full moon off for him already, I can get away with the Ministry believing I am not a werewolf. Without giving me time to respond, he continues, saying that he won't allow me to give up a future I have worked so hard for, not for him.

I want to die as he says good-bye. My entire being seems to stop functioning as I wish for either this nightmare to end or the world, for mine is already crumbling. Vaguely, I hear a voice plead with her husband not to leave, and realize it is my own. My tears are renewed as dizziness sets in, and I come to know that standing up , or even moving more than slightly from my position on the bed, will not be a possibility.

I hear him say my name, tell my that he is sorry. I see him walk out the door.

I hear myself beg for him to return, to please come back. My cries turn to desperate sobs for him.

I see only blackness while calling for Remus, as dizziness and pain finally over come me, and I fall back into unconsciousness.


	8. Chapter VIII

It has been so long since I last spoke to her, since I last held her in my arms. I haven't even seen her this past month. I look up at the darkening sky, knowing the full moon will rise soon. I drink down the last of my Wolf's Bane Potion; the rest I left for her.

Nymphadora… she must be so scared. I'll never forget how terrified I felt of my first transformation, how alone I felt. How frightened I still feel.

I am disgusted with myself, knowing that however I feel, she feels the same only so much worse; knowing that what happened to her was my fault, even if it wasn't done directly by my hand; knowing that if I had never married her, if I had never tricked myself into believing that I could have a family without dragging it into my pitiful, outcast excuse for a life, that she would still have her own life to live, full and complete; knowing that, had I made the right decision regarding the woman I love, whom I was once able to call my wife, she wouldn't be sitting now in some dark, enclosed space, feeling frightened and helpless beyond comprehension, about to experience one of the worst physical pains imaginable, feeling so alone in the world…

Wait…

A thought suddenly dawns on me, and I jump up, knowing I don't have long to complete it. Without anything but the disgusting robes that cover my filthy body – for I have found little reason for almost anything; since I left her, she was all I needed or thought of – I apparate. I may have felt alone all those years, but I am not willing to let her face that, not tonight.

I walk into our – no, not _our_, her – _her_ house, and go to the room where I have spent so many full moons, the room where she is now. I know that now, so close to the full moon's rise, it is too late for me to go back because this may be a selfish desire of mine that I am here, just for want to see her again.

When I open the door, I see her back is to me, and she doesn't notice my approach. I feel tears rise to my eyes. Has it really been so long since they last held her beautiful form? But something is wrong; her hair is not pink and spiky, but dull mousy-brown, hanging lank around her face. She is wearing only a small blanket, wrapped around her body, and of her body that I can see – most of her being – her pale skin clutches her bones. _What have I done?_ Has she eaten at all since I left?

I say her name, my voice hoarse and almost unrecognizable.

But she hears, and turns her head. Seeing me, her mouth moves and her deadened eyes become wet, but I cannot hear what she says. In three swift strides, I cross the room, not bothering to close the door. My body I place next to hers on the floor, and envelop her crying form in my arms, kissing her soft hair, without giving second thought to my actions.

Her arms wrap around me, and her hands tightly hold me as I hold her closer still. How have I lived for so long without this woman in my arms?

She tells me she is scared, and guilt instantly tugs at my heart; but then she says she thought I would never return. Her words pain me more than I can describe, because she thinks I am staying for longer than this night. How can I tell her I'm leaving in the morning, only to break her heart again?

I never should have married her… She wouldn't be in this pain if I hadn't.

Before I can respond, the full moon rises. I hear her scream, guilt surrounds me, and although I try not to, I scream as well. I hold onto her for as long as I can, but a wolf's body is not meant to hold another the way a human's is. I feel my limbs change their form, my joints reposition, my tailbone expand with my skull as my hands and feet shrink into paws. Thick fur pushes its way out of my skin as my jaw and teeth lengthen, and my nails turn to claws. My screams have turned to howls by the end of it, and I turn my newly shaped body to see another werewolf on the floor, whimpering from the pain.

Because of the Wolf's Bane Potion, I know this werewolf to be my wife, my Nymphadora. Ignoring the lingering aches in the joints of my wolf's body, I walk to her on four, padded paws. Bending down, I gently lick her furry cheek. I'm here, I'm not going to leave now.

Looking into her open eyes, I see something I failed to notice before: She didn't take the Wolf's Bane Potion.

A million thoughts cross my mind at once. She knew how dangerous a werewolf could be to itself when confined to a small space, like this room. Did she even care what she might have done to herself, separated from other creatures to bite and in such a weakened physical condition?

No, no she didn't, is the terrible truth I realize. And it is because of me, because I left.

I notice the open door and swiftly grab the handle in my jaw, pulling it shut. Then I return to the side of my wife.

I won't let her hurt herself tonight, or ever. I love her too much to ever see her in pain again.


	9. Chapter IX

_**A/N: I was expecting to have this chapter up earlier in the week, but it took a lot longer to write than I thought it would. Sorry about that. And about this chapter not being quite as long as the others.**_

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He came back! Remus, he came back to me! I couldn't believe it, when I heard his voice, saw his face, felt his arms wrap securely around me. I never want this moment to end; I want to stay here, held tightly in his warm embrace, forever. But I know with the impending rise of the full moon, it will be over all too soon… for both of us.

The horrible disk of the night is thrown to the sky, and I scream as it takes both of us with it. Pain, beyond anything I have yet experienced, consumes my being.

… Remus spent years going through this?

Even as a wolf's body replaces mine, tears leak from my eyes. I lay, panting, on the ground; my body aches with recent pain. But why am I laying here? Every impulse within me is telling me to run… to find blood, bite down… taste it; taste human blood!

Another wolf is standing over me. He licks my cheek, and all instinct commands me to growl at the audacity of this unknown wolf. A soft whimper from the back of his throat tells me his intention is not aggressive, but that makes my current position no less vulnerable.

I smell humans. The scent of their blood is strong, just behind this barrier I walk to. It won't open, though, and I know it. I turn around, anger and desperation all I can feel. I _need_ to taste blood! To feel it trickle down my throat.

I part my jaws; fully intending to rip my own flesh, to taste the sweet, red nectar that runs thick beneath it.

Before I can, the other wolf pushes my mousy-brown body down, pinning me to the floor. I growl again, and snap my jaws in empty threat; the other wolf is stronger than I, and we both know this.

What his eyes are filled with as he looks down at me, I do not know, but I am taken aback by his daring to again lick my face. His scent now seems familiar to me, like I've smelt it before…

The human! He smells like the human's scent. …Why? Why would a wolf smell so much like a human? The wolf would have to _be_ the human… My mind turns this question over, searching for an answer.

Remus! The wolf is Remus!

The name comes from a blocked abyss of my mine, desperately struggling to get out… to know and remember… Remember what? …Remus! My Remus! My mate… I know this wolf... I… love him.

My mad craving to taste blood, to feel the smooth texture of it upon my tongue, dies down as thoughts of my love for Remus, and thoughts of all else that defy my status as a monster, fill me up.

I think he understands this; he takes his weight off of me, lets me up. I walk to him, and nudge into his thick fur with my dark nose.

_Remus_… His eyes look deep into my own, and I see him; only him. There is no wolf; there never was.

More than anything now, I wish for my own body back. I want to hold him in my own arms, kiss him with my own lips, tell him I love him with my own voice… Maybe I can still do something… I try to block all this out, close my eyes, focus all of my concentration. When I open my eyes again, I see amusement in my mate's. I guess that it worked.

Remus gently rubs his face against my own, then walks to a corner of the room and lies down. He indicates the space of bare floor next to him, and I accept his invitation. Lying down beside him, I snuggle closer, and rest my head contentedly on his paws. I feel the gentle weight of him head rest on the back of my neck, and I press myself deeper against his wolfish body.

Sleep comes quickly to both of us as we lay there, wrapped in each other's warmth.

Until moonset we stay there, and then, I again feel the very structure of my body change, transform back into its natural shape. I feel my screams ripped as they rip from my throat, and hear Remus' howls turn to anguished screams, much like my own. The only difference in the pain from earlier that night is that once the transformation is over, I fall into unconsciousness; my human body, my _true_ body, is not built so well against the pain of the alteration caused by the moon as my wolf's body is…


	10. Chapter X

**_A/N: I'm not too sure about the whole ending part of this chapter (my beta/sister hates Remus/Tonks and refuses to look over it...); my skills in romance writing aren't too strong, so please be nice to it. And this chapter is the second to last; Chapter XI is the epilogue. Yay!  
_**  


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I wake to a cold draft coming from under the door. Judging by the light coming in from the small window, about half the morning has passed. Nymphadora is still asleep, but I am too tired to even comprehend why I am up. I run my fingers through her soft hair, gently brushing it off her sleeping face. A smile plays at my lips as I remember last night – the first time I've fondly looked back on a full moon since Hogwarts… But only my wife would use her Metamorphmagus powers to her mousy-brown wolf's fur bubblegum pink.

She can't be comfortable, lying there on the hard floor. She's shivering, and I can see the goosebumps erupting on her small body. She would be much better off sleeping in her own bed, with thick, warm blankets wrapped securely around her. I don't trust myself to carry her there though, not when I feel so tired and weak from the effects of the full moon.

Instead, I slowly push myself off the floor, and make my way to the bedroom. I can't for the life of me figure out why Dora would keep the house so cold, as I note the painful sting the air gives to my naked body. I make sure all the windows I pass are tightly closed to stop any more frigid air from coming in.

In the bedroom, I find a blanket to wrap around myself, since I left all my clothes behind in my haste to get back here last night. In the month I had been away, none of my memory of this house had slipped; I quickly find some of her warm pajamas, I fetch some blankets out of the closet, and I pull the comforter and pillows off the bed. Our bed…

My wedding ring is under her pillow. Slowly, I pick it up, and slip it on. After seeing what her eyes held when she looked at me for the first time in a month… I could never do that to her, not again… never again.

She's still asleep when I get back to her. I carefully pull her pajamas onto her body, and, leaning against the wall with the pillows behind me, I wrap her in a blanket and pull her close to me. I wind us both in the comforter, kiss her temple, and slowly drift back to sleep with my head resting against hers. I whisper that I love her.

I wake, and a panic begins to take me. Nymphadora, _my_ Dora, she's not here. I don't know what madness is overwhelming me, but I can't help but think something has happened to her; a ridiculous notion, completely laughable, but… the last time I woke up without her when she should have been here, something _did_ happen to her.

But she reenters the room before I can ever get up. She walks over and kneels beside me, meeting my eyes with her own. They're plain today, but still so captivating and beautiful. She doesn't say anything; she doesn't have to. Her eyes say everything for her.

How could I do this? I don't know. Looking into her eyes now, seeing what I have done, I don't know how I ever could have justified it. I love her, and I left her. I hurt her in a way my lycanthropy, or hers, never could.

How could she still want me, after doing this? I don't know that either, but she does. She gently holds and kisses my face as slow tears leak from both our eyes. Whispered words of love softly pass from both our lips.

I'm so sorry; I tell her over and over, and she gently hushes me.

My lips meet hers; my fingertips lightly feel her soft skin beneath them. Her hands pull me closer, and I wrap my arms around her. My kisses trail down her neck, and follow my hand across her shoulder as I tenderly push the fabric of her shirt off of it.

She slowly lies back to the floor, pulling me down with her. Her delicate fingers trace down my bare chest, and undo the knot in the blanket I wear around me. My lips once again find her own as I slip my hand underneath her shirt. She kisses me deeper and pulls me closer. Our breathing deepens. I move my hands to unbutton her pajama top, and let it fall to the floor behind her.

* * *

With her lying asleep in my arms again, my life couldn't seem more perfect. I love her.

I love her, and that's all that matters. It's all that's ever mattered; that I love Dora, that I'm with her.

I hate myself for nearly letting her go like I did, because I know that if I hadn't come back last night, I probably never would have; although I doubt it would have been a bigger mistake than leaving her in the first place. She is all that means anything to me; and of what little I know of the future, I do know one thing: I will never leave her again.

I more than just love her… I need her; my lover, my wife, my best friend, my Nymphadora.


	11. Chapter XI: Epilogue

It has been about ten months since I became a werewolf and Remus left; about nine since his return. Last night was one of the most painful I have ever experienced, even though it was not the full moon. Last night was a new moon, and the best of my life. I gave birth that night, to Teddy Remus Lupin.

I had never been so proud as the moment I first held him in my arms; and now, watching as my husband tenderly walks around the room, carrying the precious bundle securely in his arms, I know that my life could not be more perfect.

Remus sits next to me on the bed, careful not to jostle Teddy. It meant so much to me that he suggested naming our son after my recently deceased father… Remus gently kisses the top of our baby's small head, which is crowned with hair much like my own – ever changing in color. Teddy is a Metamorphmagus, something I couldn't be prouder of, but whether or not he is a werewolf is still to be determined; Remus, though, is positive he is since both of his parents are. I, feeling the need for optimism, choose to take that he was born on the new moon as a sign pointing away from that belief.

But even if he is a werewolf, we already decided it didn't make a difference; we'd find a way to ensure the world doesn't hold his lycanthropy against him. I know that will never happen; the world will never accept what makes my family different from the rest of it, but we will do whatever we can to make sure our little boy doesn't face all the same hardships his father had to.

Whatever the world throws at me, at us, I know we will survive. We've made it through everything thus far, and now, with Teddy, life can only get better with each passing day, so long as we have each other.

At first, Remus was nervous about the baby, but he never left my side for longer than twenty minutes during the entire nine months; and I couldn't be more grateful for that. After that month without him, I doubt I would have lasted without him during the pregnancy; he was there with me throughout it all, every time I needed him, wanted him… I love him, so much; and Teddy even more, if that's even possible…

Carefully, almost with caution, Remus places my son back in my arms, and wraps his own around the two of us, pulling us close. I rest my head against the crook of his neck as I gaze lovingly down upon the blue-haired baby I hold as close as I can without fearing I may injure him… He's so tiny. It's almost amazing that something so small could hold so much of my affection. I don't think I ever understood the meaningful, loving looks my own mother gave me so often during my youth until I first held my child.

I feel the light pressure of my husband's lips against my pate. I smile wider, my eyes never leaving our beloved son, as Remus rests his head against my own. Teddy's hair color turns to that of a fine gold, and his bright, curious, chocolate-colored eyes gaze at our faces. Remus lightly traces one of his fingers over the back of Teddy's tiny hand. The sweet little boy grips his father's finger, guiding it to his mouth. Remus slowly lifts his hand up, taking his son's with it. I lightly kiss my son's teeny hand, and then my husband's larger one.

Looking back at my life just over nine months ago, I never would have thought it could change this much; that my life could ever feel this… _full_. I have everything I ever could have wanted, and so much more.

I quietly speak my husband's name, not wanting to startle our baby from the peaceful slumber he has just entered. Without much noise at all, he lets me know that he heard, and looks into my eyes, smiling with a new affection I have never seen in him before; I wouldn't doubt, though, that a new love was shining in my eyes as well. We both have so much more than we ever had before.

"I love you."

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**_A/N: Yay! I can't believe it's finally finished!_**


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